LOVE OR LUST?

dear blog,

i am confused as ever as always. People say follow my instinct and heart but they are themselves confused. I love P and also S. But at the same time i think i am using S its called infatuation/lust. i M using S as an excuse to overcome P. I love P i mean he smokes and drinks and a bit of ego..i mean stop smoking is not easy right? and he drinks when there are occasion i guess because its normal for teens to drink now ><

   S doesnt even make an effort to talk to me or even add me in facebook :( so that clearly shows he is not interested in me. He dont even want to talk to me! :( infact he has my friends number!!! but yeah i cant be angry bc my friend is d gedik type and of course she is in the same tsyn as them and of coz get along with guys well...tat is y i am jealous with her sometimes -_______-

I mean she is mean to me at times too :/ like not giving her hw!!!!! okay fine forget it..but P went for camp so he is not online only will be back on sunday!!!! bored a bit he dont have...i mean i cant possibly be with P he smokes + drinks+ my mum doesnt like him.. he is an engineer btw.

where else S is good as far as i can see friendly, ppl likes him, smart, + he wants to study medicine just like me..but durrr he is smart!!!!! i am not ..my maths suck okay...and my name was nicely shown on the LCD one of the lowest but i am not the lowest hellooo but thanks to the teacher..she stopped the data until my name so ppl think i m the lowest :((((((

okay i think i should go to bed,,,tired already 1 am!!!